The New Year brings New Resolutions. Anyone who has frequented the gym in the past 12 days can tell you that. My Resolution for the new year was to drop Grindr (RE: Grindr) and meet guys the old-fashioned way. (RE: OKCupid) Don't get me wrong, I love dating. I love having conversations with people to determine what future may exist. I love visualizing our future condo in the city, complete with a fancy wedding, cookie-cutter jobs, 2.5 baths and 2.5 kids. But getting to that point takes time. And patience. (And, in 41 states, a law legalizing Gay Marriage). Most importantly, it takes a lot of crappy experiences with a heck-of-a-lot-of-crazies, and many missed connections to make this possible.Take "Jimmy", for example. Who I am kidding, his name really is James. He was my first OK Cupid meet-up. And it all happened so quickly...I've been on the app for 12 days now, with a decent profile and a random picture. I've had some blasé conversations with a few guys, but James came and went qui cker than prepaid Smart Phone at Walmart (Way to go, Georgia). With a brief message about "how cool it was that we were both musicians", he immediately shot me his phone number. Now, his picture was cute. He was holding a clarinet, and I'm always a sucker for cute guys holding clarinets. So, I took the bait. He clearly was a master baiter. Keep in mind, I'm already out in Boystown, meeting a friend for a cocktail, and am never opposed to staying out if the night allows me to. We text a few small talk conversations, and he convinces me (After a total of 20 minutes from time of first message) that he'll be at my favorite bar, and that if I should happen to be there, and if I should happen to see him, then perhaps I should say 'hi'. So I finished my martinis (liquid courage!) and headed out in the final hour of the evening. I walk in, and immediately spot this fella. The only difference is less hair, more weight, and no clarinet. Remember that picture that I posted about the cute guy holding a clarinet? While that may not be him, it ended up being aweeeeeeeeful close.
So, being the Klassy Lady that I am, I walk right past him, head to the bar, and order myself a beer. I figure, I'll just pretend like I never went to the bar, never saw him, and therefor wouldn't have to call him out on his blatent lie. Don't take me as pretentious. Don't take me as rude. Take me as a guy who thinks that if you present yourself as one way on a dating app, you should have at least a 51% resemblance to the picture.Sure enough, my cover was foiled. My phone began BLOWING. UP. Interestingly, I learned a lot about myself during this experience (his thank you card is in the mail) His texts were... shall I say... very offensive. I was told, among many other things, that I have horrible legs, that I am fat, that I should evaporate, that I look like "AIDS" (which I took up with him, eventually), that his friends all think that I'm the ugliest guy at the bar, that I'm trashy for drinking a miller lite (Please, don't hate on me being budget-conscious while at the bar!). What's more impressive about his bashing was that it came in many different forms. Text messages, with an OK Cupid message immedietly following, a phone call message, a phone call from another phone number. He really had a full army of offenses on his side. So what lesson did I learn about myself? I ignored every single text, phone call, OK Cupid Message. I refused to fuel his desire to get under my skin. I refused to let him that that he was winning in a situation by behaving like that, with a guy whom he never actually met but only chatted with for a total of 20 minutes via text. I ignored every comment. Except one. I reminded him that using any form of "AIDS" as derogatory was hugely ignorant, and that that comment wouldn't fly with ANY members of the LGBT Community. I couldn't sit idly by with that type of comment.
30 minutes later, I was freed from his abuse. I think he just realized it was ineffective.
So my first OK Cupid Meet-up went just as anticipated, actually. Crazy. Part of me wants to avoid any future interactions from OK Cupid. But if I did, then I wouldn't have any material for this blog. No one wants to read about me doing puzzles on a Saturday night. So, to spice this up, I've decided to not only put myself out there with dates, but also update you, my loyal followers, with my many failings through my dry spell.
I'm maintaining anonymity through this blog (had to google that word... very hard to spell *and say) so as to not scare off too many future dates, yet will still publicize this via my many social media outlets. If you notice a lull in me writing, be sure to set me up with your single (crazy) guy that lives in your building, teacher that works at your school, or homeless man that positions himself at your Starbucks. That'll surely generate some buzz to keep your appetite saturated until my next failed attempt at 2.5 baths and 2.5 kids. (clearly, I'm Captain Hook in the family picture) (Hey, if he was allowed to use an outdated photo, I'm allowed to use a Halloween Picture of NPH)Lesson learned. Post pictures that are clearly, and obviously, so far removed from reality, and we'll click immediately
Joe Fox (RE: You've got Mail)
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